nobody fucking move i am posting some of my writing

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Mr. Smith
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Re: nobody fucking move i am posting some of my writing

Post by Mr. Smith » Thu Jul 31, 2008 07:08

Woot I have claimed this story as my own. Well at least on all the forums I have posted it on.
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Cowardly
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Re: nobody fucking move i am posting some of my writing

Post by Cowardly » Thu Jul 31, 2008 08:37

yeah i commented on this already, pritty good.
I mean, i said i wouldnt read it again, but when i started, i couldnt stop -.-

anyway, i'm sure at some point i'll post something i've written, its largely unimaginitive and poorly written, but i guess you guys can slate me on that.

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Ransom
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Re: nobody fucking move i am posting some of my writing

Post by Ransom » Thu Jul 31, 2008 13:51

chill yes do itttt
PsychoBob wrote:I know this post is rather old but I'm assuming you're always open for criticism.

First of all, fantastic story, I tend to be a fan of these post apocalyptic settings about convoys of survivors moving on, so you have location and a good story with a nice amount of interpretation left available.

However, as tab said, it needs more physical description, early in the story I was picturing Dieter as an old man around his sixties, however when he starts throwing out lines like motherfucking and shit, this made me pin him more around his mid-thirties, early forties. This also includes the ship itself, early on I saw it being around the size of a large house, however when Rachana first stepped out on top of the ship and threw her radio it then had me thinking it was more around the size of a giant tanker.

So, what I'm saying is that you could use more definite descriptions.

And sorry to say this but I found the ending a little cliche'
8/10
Success! More feedback. Thanks Bob.

Yeah, the level of description seems to be a sticking point for most people I've shown this to. I was going for a leaner writing style, avoiding exposition at all costs, which is why there's very little straight description. The radio-throwing scene was actually designed for exactly that purpose of showing how big the vehicle was - but I see what you mean. That sort of thing ought to be made clear at the beginning.

Could you elaborate on how you found the ending to be cliché?

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Cowardly
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Re: nobody fucking move i am posting some of my writing

Post by Cowardly » Thu Jul 31, 2008 14:30

Is it just me, or does anyone else fucking yearn to know why Hale is so dangerous, so wanted and what the fucks going on.

I think the Junior Inspections obsession with the man is the most compelling part of it.

And my friends scruitinised what i'd written, without even writing it, and in blind fury i deleted it and saved the blank page.

shit.

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Jet Andre
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Re: nobody fucking move i am posting some of my writing

Post by Jet Andre » Fri Aug 01, 2008 02:19

Ok, i finally read it. I loved it. I'm not going to repeat the flaws other people have already made clear, though i will say i felt the ending to be slightly abrubt. This may have been when you were trying to go for, leaving the reading with that slight sense of confusion. I think it's in dire need of a sequel as that will justify all the loose ends. What i'm trying to say is, as a stand alone story it's not fleshed out enough.

Thats my 2 pence worth.
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