The Term (just a dabble from Nelson)

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Lord Nelson Derpentstein
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The Term (just a dabble from Nelson)

Post by Lord Nelson Derpentstein » Mon Oct 20, 2008 11:14

Oh hai guyz. I've been attempting to mould a character for a story idea I've had, and while doing so I just want to see if my writing style is 'ok', 'needs work' or 'oh my fucking god hang yourself nelson for uploading this shit you TWAT' Cheers :D

Note: The intended protagonist is written in third person, I saw this more befitting to the point I was trying to establish.


Pitch, black, darkness. Similar to that felt when in the confines of sleep, only different somehow, out of frame, off to the left like a cold breeze in sweltering heat. Unease brewed within heavily, something was awry. He felt awake. He felt his eyes moving and eyelids blinking as always in their synchronus symphony, yet there was darkness. Why darkness? He thought to himself. He struggled for answers and concluded with an obvious. This is death? It had to be it. It was more peaceful than he imagined, yet so lonely and, wait, there was sound. He heard the curvaciousness of air rustle it's way seductively, ever so gingerly, ever so politely as to soothe him in the void. He could hear, he must still be alive surely. He then struggled to remember, to gain his memory of recent events in order to piece together his current situation. It was then that he emitted a groan at the pain shooting up from his arms, they felt as if they were on on fire. He was bound and hanging from what felt like a rope tied to his hands. Pain turned to panic as he realised his dilemma. His memory flashed to his bedroll, to his slumber that once was. He failed to recall anything else, but still yerned for his brain to work, to give him more answers. Why was he here? He begged himself over and over to release himself from his panicked curiosity.
Suddenly, a dark yet esteemed voice that was eerily chorused with the tone of a re-breather struck out from the shadows like a jackhammer,
"Turn that frown upsidedown.".
Panic began surging within him now. He knew the voice and emitted a whimper on queue to it. He had him, and there was nothing he could do to retreat from the hell that he was now in. "P..please! I didn't...", the voice cut him off abruptly mid-sentence, "You may lie to me, that is granted, however I won't let you lie to yourself." There was an uncomfortable silence, peppered by his sobbing as it echoed within the void. His sense of awareness came back, as did the voice as it came from directly in front of him, slowly and methodically. "Bio-engineering is marvellous, yes.", it said matter of factly. "The ability to take living tissue, and play it like chess. It's a true modern mozart of science." His wimpering continued, he was too afraid to speak. He heard the musical shuffling of what seemed to be micro-vials dancing together in a pouch. The music stopped and the voice spoke again, "You see, this little concotion I'm preparing is more of a defensive stroke. A defensive stoke that one would inact on the chessboard that is 'Life'. The 'rook takes pawn in move no. 62' per se." His situation was desperate, he knew he was going to die. He had to do something. Desperation was a boiling soup frothing to it's climax in his insides. "I saw her you know," the voice began again, calmly, "They couldn't recognise her of course, the body was far too decomposed and full of rot, as they usually are." The music of the vials began yet again, pacing softly, then ending off-queue. "I do have to ask though, why her breasts?" He remained silent in this, his coma of panic, like a datachip that ruptured under full load. He was scattered and broken like a confused child. The voice remained silent, and was strangely patient as it waited for his answer, like it had waited 1000 times before through sheer routine. He whimpered at last, "I don't know why I... I just... I...", the voice came again, completing his explanation, "...just felt compelled to cut them off? Yes, yes I know. Of course you did." Silence broke in yet again, save for his whimpers, which had now become the master of ceremonies for the fear bellowing within him. The voice turned into rustling, which turned into footsteps, softly touching what sounded like stone beneath foot. The footsteps slowly began their journey towards him, like a beast approaching prey before inevitable feeding. His whimpering exhacibated into high pitched moans of descent, as he wriggled amoungst the confines of his trapped hands. Through his terror, he heard the breathing, which held the same metallic chorus that it had played in its prior speech. A sharp jab impacted in his neck, the shock prompting a final protest, "Please, I don't want to die!", he cried. The breathing paused slightly, as if amused at the reaction to its approach. The jab left the surface of his neck, and the voice spoke calmly for the last time, "Die? No. Not now. My little defensive stroke will see to that. You have 3 months to, 'contemplate' down here, although it may feel like 3 years to you. Then you die." With that the footsteps abruptly began their voyage away from him, albeit drowned by his own screams.
burnfire88 wrote:Also lol'd at Ash sigging me. :3
2 /pf/aggots have me sigged at the moment, Urra and her. :)

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Ransom
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Re: The Term (just a dabble from Nelson)

Post by Ransom » Mon Oct 27, 2008 14:54

Sorry, didn't notice this until now. First: I like that you seem to be experimenting with style here. I'd file this under 'needs work', but it's certainly not 'hang yourself'.

The main thing that jumps out at me with this passage is its ambiguity. Mostly I think this is an issue of the presentation - I understand what's happened, but it's like picking out silhouettes in a fog. Not in a good way - rather than evoking alarm and helplessness like it ought to, it's mostly just difficult to follow.

When a different character talks, start a new line. Here you've got a giant paragraph that contains a whole conversation and without any way to identify the characters other than 'he', half the time I don't know who's speaking. I can figure it out by re-reading the line, but you want to avoid that. It should just flow. Using line-breaks would help a lot, but also identify the antagonist in some way. Just using 'he' all the time gets confusing.

Another thing is there's very little physicality to this. It feels like these two characters are floating in a void. I liked the detail of the vials dancing in a pouch - give me more stuff like that. Be specific. Don't just tell me the protagonist is hanging from a rope, show me. Describe how the bindings bite into his wrists. How his eyelashes brush against the blindfold when he blinks. That sort of thing. I realise you want a certain level of confusion here, but unless you put me in this guy's shoes the situation feels muffled and weightless.
"It's a true modern mozart of science."
I liked this line. Capital M for Mozart, though. :P

Criticism aside, you've caught my interest with the concept. If you tighten up the execution this has the potential to be a really solid opening.

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Lord Nelson Derpentstein
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Re: The Term (just a dabble from Nelson)

Post by Lord Nelson Derpentstein » Tue Oct 28, 2008 06:32

That's gold. Cheers heaps for that Ransom. The one thing I want to do is to be able to express, to show the reader basically. The more advice I get the better! I need to keep reading Goodkind, De Pierres and Albett etc, and take note of the methodology / techniques they use. I enjoy all of those guys.

I'm still working on the concept of the story on a higher level of present. There are LOTS of things I've held back on, but I wrote the above in an effort to get a feel for writing the antagonist more (noted that he is in fact NOT the protagonist, and I deserve no supper for confusing terminology).

I'm in the process of trying to concieve my own universe for it now (sadly, the Mozart comment might be void as a result lol). There are minor elements of fantasy / sci-fi involved, a hefty whack of steampunk and a dash of cyberpunk also. I wanted to create a truely unique and customised setting for the antagonist to frolick in.

In short, I'm looking to focus it heavily on ethics, morals and emotions, AND making it interesting.

Really, thanks though. Today at work shat me off, but your epic in depth critique has made me feel more rested. It's encouraged me to keep writing. I'll keep going and post something up again soon :)
burnfire88 wrote:Also lol'd at Ash sigging me. :3
2 /pf/aggots have me sigged at the moment, Urra and her. :)

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Ransom
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Re: The Term (just a dabble from Nelson)

Post by Ransom » Wed Oct 29, 2008 06:54

I'm looking forward to it. Glad I could help.

Reading a lot is definitely a good idea. Speaking of which: On Writing by Stephen King, regardless of whether you're a fan of its author, is an excellent resource for developing writers. If you can find a copy in a store or library or what have you I'd highly recommend you pick it up.

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